Wednesday, 12 February 2020

What do you want from this life?

A few years ago I couldn’t find a job that ticked all my boxes, so I took up an office role. 6 months of working in a corporate environment was a revelation for me, my Dalai Lama. I tried to be all the things I disliked in order to find out who I really am. Mornings smell like new cotton suits and broken dreams. Every day I just become a little bit less of myself. My colleagues are the type of people I would usually avoid. I just have to camouflage my existence through boring conversations about food, children, our bosses’ shiny latexy red shoes. In time I get to understand that this is who I am without my gifts, my photography, my writing. 
I am a boring human being who drags all her 206 bones to a job she hates, but that looks good on paper. I get paid to say things I don’t believe in and I try to get fat because everyone in the office tells me that I’m way too thin. So I eat a lot of fatty food because all I want to do is integrate. I want to be one of them. I have to forget all about creativity and just live a normal life, pay my bills and know what to say when the “food” topic comes back again. I eat, I sleep and I go to work. Nothing more, nothing less.  My clothes get more black and my lines, well rehearsed, win undeclared Oscars. My conversations on things I don’t give a shit about have improved. The only time when I am being myself is when I’m dreaming. Slowly and gradually I fall into depression. My dad stares at me and says he never saw me so sad. He gives me 100 pounds to cheer me up. It works. My lie works for a while.Nothing else works.  One day I get a wake up call that awakens all my senses. I decide to pay my client’s product from my own money. I am breaking the rules, I’m a punk in pointy shoes and cheap eyeliner. She’s old, doesn’t have any money left from her pension and just wants to talk to her only relative. I’m trying to be good and say my lines, but the procedure is so complicated that I might as well add “and at the end you blow down your top and you make the sign of the cross three times and also cut your hair on a full moon”. Forget about the system, forget about their rules. The only truth now is that this 80 year old woman is struggling to afford food, let alone a conversation with her only living relative.
 The procedure is not inclusive, doesn’t think or care of all its clients. THIS is not genuine and I will not be part of it. My clothes are getting itchy now and I’m just creating a situation where they have to fire me, but I resign first anyway. What a relief. On a positive note,I learned how to make myself understood amongst people I disliked and most importantly, that I needed a job where my gifts, the only things that set me apart from other people are put to great use on a daily basis. To me, this was the case of photography and writing, but it can be anything from cleaning to a PHD. Don’t hide your magic, show it off. Choose you! If you feel trapped in a place that you don’t belong to and need someone to talk to, please reach out! I am now doing a job that I LOVE and would not trade for anything in the world, but it took years of honesty, compromises and commitment. Lead your way x 

Friday, 7 September 2018

east west

sun rises in the east
and sets in the west
i should have known 
a new way
 to cry in public
if you re sad
smile more often
people will be sad back
breathe in breathe out
i should have known
there are no shortcuts
or hidden tracks
we end up 
in the same place
waves are washing away

the remains of us

Tuesday, 22 May 2018

An ode/odd to home

Without my consent changes happened
First the blazers.
Then a party upstairs that I don't want to join
Each friday
Some broken glass on the hallway
Reminds me that some things will break if they're bent
Without my consent changes happened
May is sending missiles to Iraq
And my grey tights have a run
A little girl tries to see herself
In the cracked mirror
No one can save the Arctic

Thursday, 15 February 2018

i ll be

in between moments
for another dream
where everything feels the same
that smell like toothpaste
bring me back
the only space we have
is this wall
that i hit
and pillows get wet

I'm only being myself when I'm dreaming

there is a dream
that we cannot choose
the 10 seconds after
the darkness
i can feel the weight of my hand
clinging into this world


Your hands need to learn
Maps of loneliness
A curve in the bed sheet
With no flesh on
You could be any noise
Coming from the kitchen
Trapped in a parallel universe
You're trying to warn
Or say goodbye
To it all

Friday, 14 April 2017

Cornwall break

On the way to Paddington station we encounter a woman carrying a huge religious icon and a man wearing a ladies' hat. It all seems like a casual saturday, but today was more than that. It was the 1st of April. We even got a joke from the GWR's conductor: "your compartment doesn't exist". And it didn't.

If you know me, then it's no secret that I love trains. I would live on a train, work on a train, spend all my holidays travelling by train. I even tried to have my 27th birthday party on a train, but James convinced me to reduce the 24th hour travel to 5 hours only and go to Edinburgh. 

The journey from London to Camborne takes 5 hours and a half, which leaves you enough time to write a story, watch two vintage films, get drunk at the restaurant or re evaluate your life. Or glue your wedding photos in an album for your grandparents and all sort of things you should have done by now. 

We went through Bath Spa, Bristol and Plymouth on our way to Camborne, which reminded us that the only reason why we didn't revisit or visit some of them was because we're terribly poor, so poor that we didn't even "visit" any shop in six months ( THAT'S 180 DAYS, BEAT THAT) . You all know what I mean by "visiting" a shop, don't pretend you're a snob and if you are, stop reading this article and stop being my friend. 
*visiting shops= So you're just going there to see what's new with no real intention to buy anything or even touch the exponents, pretend all clothes have a transparent glass in front of them as you do in every decent museum. The only accepted activity is that of sneaking a picture of the item and deleting it in a week after realizing you don't have enough memory on your phone.   

Day 1- Camborne

Our first trip was to Camborne where we stayed and visited a lovely garden, then headed to Godrevy, which inspired Virginia Woolf to write the Lighthouse. I just think I should start writing another novel and turn it into a trend or literary movement on novels inspired by that specific lighthouse from Godrevy. 

My teeth look a bit yellow in the picture below, but it's just the filter. 

Yes, James, we all got it. You enjoy being 15 now.

Literally all my photos from Cornwall are in this jacket from The North Face. Not because I'm terribly poor, but because the entire trip was cold and windy. You need to check the weather forecast before leaving London.

Can I just add how scared I still am of the British tide? I just fear the moon will get upset one day on humanity and generate massive waves and I'll be caught on the beach trying to take stupid selfies so I generally try not to spend too much time on beaches that I couldn't possibly abandon in 5 seconds. 

Day 2 - Porthleven

First of all, if you go to Cornwall and want to see things you need a car. Secondly, Porthleven is the most southerly port on the island of Great Britain. The panoramic views on Google look more spectacular than mine, so give it a go.
  Interesting facts: the cafes and restaurants serve fresh fish from the most impressive harbour in Cornwall, which was built with the aid of French prisoners of war since Napoleonic times. If you're an experienced surfer, this could be paradise. If you're not, they still have great tea, seafood and old historical buildings dating 200 years ago.

White cat, make a wish or take it home!

I love the houses' names(Anchor Cottage, Song of the Sea Seacrest etc) , I assume they all belong to fishermen or rich investors who barely spend their holidays here. #givemeyourhouse

Spotted: an artist's garden. HOW MUCH IS THE MERMAID?

Interesting rooftop, just in case the waves would come to that point. Noah, is that you? 

  The Lizard and Kynance Cove Beach

This is the first place I visited while being in Cornwall. It's my favourite one as well and the most south-westerly point in Britain, listed within Cornwall's area of outstanding natural beauty.  In pubs by the shore people are singing Cornish traditional songs and folk music and I'm sure they're great as I never heard them. Artists are gathering to paint the cliffs, surfers do their tricks, photographers plan their best shots, families get lovely memories for life, writers give birth to memorable characters and couples fall in love with each other even more. 

I could see me and James coming here with our children and I could see my dad experiencing this beauty, which just happened because his grandparents are absolutely outstanding human beings, my favourite ones. But I will write more about them in a different post.  

My head is your shoulder.

Can I, please, live in that house there where they serve tea and ice cream? One thing I love about Britain is its ability to preserve beauty by holding on to rules. One rule is that you're not allowed to build on this land. 

Not the serpentine you know

There's a 10 minute walk down to the cove and I recommend doing it at low tide, so you can explore the caves above the beach. Kynance Cove belongs to the National Trust who is preserving areas like this in the UK with the help of its members. Tempted to get a membership next year along with a Tate one. 

As James put it: "When the guy running around with no shoes on (in the first week of April) asks you to take a photo of his family standing on a big rock you oblige."

Not too sure why this, the second venue in the whole area is closed, but we came up with a lot of ideas on how it could be developed the entire way back home. 

The Lizard Lighthouse 

Oldie but goldie for 260 years, guiding ships home and now becoming an interactive learning centre due to the National Lottery. Send your lover a message in Morse code and learn how to spell your name using Semaphore flags.

Lifeboat station- closed since 1961

Day 3 - Saint Ives

Saint Ives starts with a lovely walk where you can see the city from above. It also starts with cream tea at Porthminster Cafe. My first one this year, a true delish. 
Saint Ives is one of the ten best European beach destinations recommended by TripAdvisor and has been a muse for artists for decades starting with Henry Moore, Turner and continuing with Barbara Hepworth whose museum we visited later on the evening. 

What you can do here: Take a boat to watch the seals sunbathe or cloudbathe at the Sea Island, visit the Tate, Barbara Hepworth's studio, take surf lessons, get lost through the cobbled streets and fishermen's cottages and try to resist their souvenirs.

Enjoy the wild air.

Cream tea with scones at Porthminster Cafe

This is the point where fishermen would notify others of the location of fish in the sea on the day and signal it to help the finding.

Were they waiting for the bus or just for a photographer to surprise this scene?

Barbara Hepworth museum

Wild seals and good woman wanted to cook, clean and sew. Saint Ives, I thought you're open minded.

Outstanding vegetarian salad at Porthgwidden Beach Cafe with a sea view on our way to the Island.

Heading to the Island

A group of students sketching the epic landscape

Tate Saint Ives-quite conceptual and focused on sculptures. They had good wine though.


Day 4 - Minack Theatre and Porthcurno Beach

An outstanding open air theater built 80 years ago not by the greeks, but by Rowena Cade into the granite cliff. This is a perfect example of how to take your garden to the next level. 
The summer theatre runs from may to september and has amazing views and sub-tropical gardens. 

Make your way from the Minack Theatre to Porthcurno beach  by walking the steep coastal path down the side of the cliff and enjoy the soft sand and the turquoise water. Remember you're not in Greece though and don't get too excited, you might not be able to get into the water, it's the Atlantic Ocean, remember? However, you can try wearing a wetsuit and spot dolphins. 

In the 19th century the Telegraph Museum ( which is 5 minutes away from this beach ) was connected to the rest of the world by submarine cables. Today you can experience two secret world war tunnels and enjoy the interactive activities organised by the museum. 

Cape Cornwall, a UNESCO World Heritage Site

Can you spot Charles de Gaulle? 

Cape Cornwall Mine was  a tin mine (really?) which was closed in 1883, but the chimney near the peak of the cape was kept as an aid to navigation. Mind the wind and paint the waves if you can.

Ceramics workshop with artist Margaret Kumsang 

As I will be teaching my pupils ceramics at my new job, in july, I thought it would be a good idea to learn it from a true artist in an epic setting. 

Last day- Cream tea, scones and seals in Godrevy from the van

My ideal family day, picking up wild flowers for Margaret and spotting seals on an isolated bay.  We ran on the shores of the Atlantic once again, skimming stones and making plans for the future. 

The journey back

It's always hard to leave Cornwall and its magic behind, but we've got two special people and this place to look forward to seeing again next time we visit. On the way back  a french family with 2 children was sitting next to us and they were all wearing matching sweaters. I know you see this in schools as a sign of equality, but today it was a message of love and unity.